It's over, darling.

Not that it hasn’t been fun. For others, anyhow.


The fat lady has sung.
For six minutes and 59 seconds. I’ve decided not to waste another second on you. Why should I? You called me fat. Tsk, tsk.

When you get home today, from your fulfilling job of pushing the little mail-cart at the ambulance-chasery where you pretend to practice law, prepare to see some changes.

• I’m taking the computer, so don't bother blogging about me.
• I’m taking the egg timer, so you’ll have to guess at the length of your subsequent sexual encounters. I have two words to get you started:
  

-- Miss-iss-ipp-i.
-- One-Thou-sand.
(granted, that’s three words. But why hold me to getting the details exactly right? You never did.)

• I’m taking the fruit baskets.
• I’m taking the subscription to Cat-Fancy, if only to see if the pages really do “get sticky on their own” over time. And Mr. Whiskers, who’s been looking pretty traumatized lately, to be honest.

(pause for shuddering)

• Oh, and I’m taking the money. I mean, duh.

- You can keep the Amazing Rubber Papaya. Kol HaKavod.


There’s a bottle of Manischewitz and some unfilled hamentaschen in the fridge. Go at it, tiger.


Chag Sameach!

More facts and fantasies

-- So who am I, anyway? Do I dare to share a tiny peek beneath my snood?


Well...

• I am not DatingMaster
• I am not Jameel or Mrs. @theMuqata
• I am not the Godol Hador, no matter what you think, Mr. DovBear (and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it.)
• I am not Dick Cheney.

I have never

• Wrestled in techina
• Traded sex for shekalim (are you kidding? Have you seen the exchange rate?)
• Used Temple Mount as a euphemism

I would not like to test your falafel balls for firmness.


-- So... is this a Purim parody, or is this the real thing?

Hmm. You know the phrase “I laughed my ass off?’’ Well, if your ass is currently on the floor, then it’s a parody. Then again, if you’re my husband and you’re surrounded by sloppy mango rinds, it might just be the real thing.

Some Facts and Some Fantasies...

Now that I've learned how my husband the "dating master" likes to spice up reality with a little bit of fantasy... I thought I'd give everyone a "score" card... if you know what I mean...

Dating Master lives in Jerusalem... Fact

Dating Master eats fruit, sometimes at parties... Fact

Dating Master feels trapped in a sexless marriage of only 4 times a month... This is a fantasy.
Dating Master's erectile dysfunction does provide us with 4 times a month at best, true, but it is not through lack of trying on my part. I even wear the little French Maid's outfits he brings home from Ben Yehuda street. But a girl can only do so much. You can't shoot pool with 5 inches of twine.

Dating Master is often approached by attractive strangers, who would willingly take him home, but for his love for me... yeah right.

Dating Master's wife is always in a bad mood because of her birth control pills, confirmed by her gynecologist... Fantasy. Dating Master's wife has mood swings because I installed a keystroke logger on our home computers and some nights I find things I wasn't expecting to see from my husband who says he only goes online to read Godol Hador.

Dating Master goes on the internet looking for women so he can find solutions to leave his marriage... Could be fact, could be fantasy. All I know is there's a full kleenex box in his home office when I go upstairs to bed, and about half a box when I come down the next morning... and my bottle of hand lotion is never quite where I left it. You tell me.

Dating Master only lasts a maximum of 7 minutes in the act of love before having to call it a night... Sadly, a fact.

Ten Things You Can Do In 7 minutes

• bake a potato (in the microwave)
• play fetch with a very small dog
• watch 1/3 of The Simpsons
• Do the Monday New York Times Crossword Puzzle, or an intermediate sudoku
• listen to 7/8 of "American Pie" or all but the last few seconds of "Hey Jude" (give or take a few "na's")
• Catch up on the latest at Jack's Shack, or RenReb's, or the Muqata... and still have time to argue with Ezzie (but not to check back for his response and counter-argue)
• daven maariv
• run 9/10 of a mile
  
• eat a large bowl of ice cream

or

• have sex with Dating Master

I may be frum, but I've seen 9 1/2 Weeks. I've seen Body Heat. I've seen Fatal Attraction... and so has Dating Master. And not one of those amazing encounters looked like they took less than an hour, half hour at the least. Foreplay, I believe Chazal called it. But Dating Master says you can't have sex with seforim in the room, so that's a chapter he hasn't gotten to yet.

So if Dating Master thinks he's ready for a little something-something on the side, and you're it - well, you can look forward to the same lovely 7 minutes I get... and he'd better watch his rabbit, if you know what I'm saying...

One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer... you take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall...
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer... you take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall...
98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer... you take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall...


Repeat for 7 minutes.

Now imagine the beer is warm and it's always passed around the same way, and the guy who's taking it down keeps telling everyone how much he resents having to share with you.

See how many times a month you can take it.

Seriously, though

What would you do if YOU were married to "Jerusalem MasterDater"?

Oh wait. I meant DatingMaster.

I got mixed up. What with the rhyming and all.

;)

Last seen on Frumster...

Married Jewish Male, overweight, claims to be a lawyer, looking for much younger* single women for sex.

Has wife and children at home. Will gladly call wife names (bitch, cold, bad-tempered, frigid, liberal) for extra attention.

Wants: Sex 20 times a month. Possibly (but not 100% definite about this) via second marriage.

Please email or post blog comments recommending divorce on blogger.

No one will be the wiser.

wink wink.


*will settle for only slightly younger, if you're good looking.

The REAL Meaning of DatingMaster's Fruit Parties

1) Core one apple (preferably mushy)

2) Lock self in bathroom when no one else is home

3) Look away. Dear God, look away.